Saturday, September 29, 2007



This has been a long time burden for me. Going out of my contemporary ways and trying to expose myself to the real world hasn't been all that easy. The never-ending influence of family, peers and media have blocked my own desires and dream that one day I'd eventually manage to pull myself out from the little, out-grown playhouse.


If you know me well, I can be quite a bold person with a pretty loud mouth when it comes to sharing stories of all kinds, ranging from traumatic nightmares to even reckless child-like fantasies. But, this is just thirteen percent of my whole being. On the contrary, I am a deep person, sunken in some mysterious alley and trapped for until God-knows-when. This mysterious alley has been my home in which my self-confidence was pressed against thick brick walls and there I was, sitting alone, watching how the brick walls smashed my self-confidence to pieces and eventually, crushed my own dreams as well.


Believe me, I have gotten rid of quite a number of my ambitions just because I was afraid at how people would label me. I put first the idea of what people would think of me rather than what dream I want to achieve. I definitely would not want to be continuously chasing my dream's tails which move in an incessant circular motion. In other words, I want to be more than a dream chaser, I want to be a believer-- an achiever.


Of course, I cannot expect myself to score that well when it comes to these issues. For one, I have the lowest possible amount of self-confidence stored within me that I would have probably buried myself underground if not for the simple yet substantial comments my friends and fellow classmates give. So, in some points, I owe it to them that at the moment, I believe in myself somehow-- let's say I obtained confidence in the least possible amount, just yet.


However, my experiences were not as enticing as I would have wanted it to be. I am poor when it comes to experiences because truthfully, I have yet to prove to myself my worth, my substantial degree, how much I can get out of my system and affect a change. A lot has been bothering me: A lot.

Complications haven't been that distant-- they are not even as far-flung as the store next block. No matter what road I seem to take, it just can't get away-- and again, just one of those "unwanted unlimited subscriptions."

Self-confidence has probably bothered me but I know I am not the only one affected by it this much. I know there are other insecure people seemingly hiding their identies, sharing the fear of critcism and rejection. But hey, so what if people think you suck? So what if people think you are not good enough? And so what if someone out there is greater-- way greater-- than you? Maybe, it's just a matter of pushing yourself to extremes provided that you give yourself the chance to boost up that inner system-- currently hiding under thick sheets of anxiety.

Well, I am looking forward to the day that I finally would feel good about myself; the day wherein I get to pull myself out of those underground holes; the day wherein I do not just go with the flow rather counter it (for some valid reason); the day wherein I'd feel proud about my current state now; and conclusively, a day wherein I get the strength to walk out the door of that little, outgrown playhouse, ready to face whatever wants to challenge me head-on.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007



Hm. Talk to me. I am made the foundation of pressure building blocks which have no sense of mercy by all means. I am squashed deep down and basically just sticking my hand out to reach the keyboard. Alas, I blog again.

Call me a school freak but I have given my attention to school and that is a valid reason for my absence. You see, if you devote time, time eats you all the way. The next thing you know is that you wake up at the break of dawn with the thick Biology book on your lap. Sheepishly deamening. Plus, no inspiration at all. Well, I was actually suppose to talk about how pissed off I was yesterday because I got home two hours after departure! Hmph. So much for that 2:20pm. But no, I'm not going to the details deep, deep down because I don't want to scoop something up from the past. I don't want replenish my experience because it will just sound and smell like a rotten red-brown tomato in a blender. Blech.

Meanwhile, I am constantly seeking possible topics for blogging because my interest had died out completely. Essays do not fascinate me anymore-- not like before wherein my heart was jumping with excitement because of the ultimate desire to read the published and featured article in Young Blood (PDI, Opinion Section). Newspapers are still my buddies but we're not tight anymore-- not as to how we used to be.

At the moment, I think my mind is preoccupied in thinking about the possible occurences in the book I am currently reading, "Hoot." It's not a ChickLit type of reading material nor is it something that I usually read. Good enough, it captivated my interest and instantly, I got hooked with it. Sad to say, due to pressure and demands of academics, I am tied in between neutral stage, having to decide whether reading a chapter of Asian History is better than reading a chapter from the literary piece. It sucks when you have to make a crucial choice. Of course then I'd have to settle for the former unless I'd want to feel regret of some sort in the end.

Contrary to all these issues revolving around me, I am proud of myself for having been able to control my appetite for internet. Hm. But then again, I will have to regain that potential in writing because, frankly, I think it slipped away when I was hitting textbooks.

Friday, September 07, 2007



Who cares about my one week absence? Who cares about my un-planned hiatus? Well then, I am back anyway but sad to say, not in my usual inspired self.

You see, I've been reading Young Blood 2 which seems to be as boring as how they made use of recycled paper. (Note: Don't get me wrong here. I have nothing against recycled paper. In fact, I idolize publishers and other companies who make use of them. Meanwhile, I am at the peak of being a hard-core critic so bear with me as I go along with negativity in line with criticism. After all, it's not all the time that I do this.) If you ask me, there were only a handful-- if not mistaken, three essays-- which happen to catch my attention. I do not know if I should blame myself because of being too picky or too unappreciative. Or maybe, my intellectual capabilities and level of comprehension increased by a level making this certain compilation of essays too basic for my understanding. No! Definitely not. But somehow, I guess I'd go for the latter. Emphasizing my point: Perhaps, I have adjusted to the professionally written essays published in Young Blood 3. If you happen to read it, you will certainly agree with me that the substance of each of the included literary pieces were so incredible that they are much more proficient compared to those included in Young Blood 2. But either way, if you got an article published, it's a huge thing. I mean, *knock, knock* being published on both local newspaper and a book-- what more can an aspiring writerdream of?

But then again, here's the thing, I am not an aspiring writer. Maybe, I'd settle as a freelance writer-- I do not take writing seriously. It's just like my second-hand amusement. I get much more fascinated solving crazy algebraic equations. Can't help it, the girl loves math. Hehe.

Moving on. I have been sleeping early ever since last week. It may sound like something good because it's finally, "goodbye sleepless nights." But then again, it's the opposite for me. Instead of some obvious credits for keeping up with a healthy bedtime, I tend to feel so sleepy (much more sleepy!) when I'm already in school. Reality check: I can't hold back the truth that I even slept during Alay Kapwa while watching Mother Teresa's life on film. Ha, too much for all that 9:00 bedtime. Too bad that my eyelids are so uncontrollable that it reaches a point wherein my mind goes completely blank and I realize after a few moments that I missed some parts of the lecture. And yes, can you just imagine how many times I tried to hold back that certain degree of sleepiness while listening to what seemed like an endless talk yesterday during recollection?!?

Call me Ms. Sleepy Head but right now, I just cannot contain myself because my body seems to crave for some sleep. Aha! I think this is a pay-back of some sort-- my body is rebellious. It demands sleep. Hm. Maybe, I will spend long hours of sleep during the weekend just to make sure everything will be back to normal-- and I wont be that sleepy student anymore.