Saturday, September 29, 2007



This has been a long time burden for me. Going out of my contemporary ways and trying to expose myself to the real world hasn't been all that easy. The never-ending influence of family, peers and media have blocked my own desires and dream that one day I'd eventually manage to pull myself out from the little, out-grown playhouse.


If you know me well, I can be quite a bold person with a pretty loud mouth when it comes to sharing stories of all kinds, ranging from traumatic nightmares to even reckless child-like fantasies. But, this is just thirteen percent of my whole being. On the contrary, I am a deep person, sunken in some mysterious alley and trapped for until God-knows-when. This mysterious alley has been my home in which my self-confidence was pressed against thick brick walls and there I was, sitting alone, watching how the brick walls smashed my self-confidence to pieces and eventually, crushed my own dreams as well.


Believe me, I have gotten rid of quite a number of my ambitions just because I was afraid at how people would label me. I put first the idea of what people would think of me rather than what dream I want to achieve. I definitely would not want to be continuously chasing my dream's tails which move in an incessant circular motion. In other words, I want to be more than a dream chaser, I want to be a believer-- an achiever.


Of course, I cannot expect myself to score that well when it comes to these issues. For one, I have the lowest possible amount of self-confidence stored within me that I would have probably buried myself underground if not for the simple yet substantial comments my friends and fellow classmates give. So, in some points, I owe it to them that at the moment, I believe in myself somehow-- let's say I obtained confidence in the least possible amount, just yet.


However, my experiences were not as enticing as I would have wanted it to be. I am poor when it comes to experiences because truthfully, I have yet to prove to myself my worth, my substantial degree, how much I can get out of my system and affect a change. A lot has been bothering me: A lot.

Complications haven't been that distant-- they are not even as far-flung as the store next block. No matter what road I seem to take, it just can't get away-- and again, just one of those "unwanted unlimited subscriptions."

Self-confidence has probably bothered me but I know I am not the only one affected by it this much. I know there are other insecure people seemingly hiding their identies, sharing the fear of critcism and rejection. But hey, so what if people think you suck? So what if people think you are not good enough? And so what if someone out there is greater-- way greater-- than you? Maybe, it's just a matter of pushing yourself to extremes provided that you give yourself the chance to boost up that inner system-- currently hiding under thick sheets of anxiety.

Well, I am looking forward to the day that I finally would feel good about myself; the day wherein I get to pull myself out of those underground holes; the day wherein I do not just go with the flow rather counter it (for some valid reason); the day wherein I'd feel proud about my current state now; and conclusively, a day wherein I get the strength to walk out the door of that little, outgrown playhouse, ready to face whatever wants to challenge me head-on.