Thursday, November 15, 2007



If you know me, I am not much of an affectionate person nor am I, even at the narrowest possibility, emotional. I merely pour out my feelings and I'd rather that I keep the pains, the joys; the sufferings and the accomplishments all to myself. And, surprisingly, I got used to it that way. Sometimes, I even think that I was ought to be born a boy because I share more emotional characteristics and physical interests with the opposite sex. Maybe, I was born a girl because God felt pity over my mother whose ultimate desire was to give birth to a baby girl. And much console over her prayers, I was born-- a girl with manly emotional characteristics.

But unlike those macho guys, I have my own limits as well. This gives me a good sign that I am perhaps smack at the thin line of boy-girl classification. I break down when I get burdened, troubled and worried; when I feel as if the whole world just threw its weight on me, thinking that I am some vast galaxy called Milky Way; when I realize that the deadline of some freaking project is hours away; when i knew I could have done better if.. blahblahblah. Some things just ought to drag me down and burry me under a huge stack of worrisome ideas. Negativity usual takes over. And voila, I see myself helplessly trying to move away from the stacks of burdens, just to gasp for refreshing air.

Realizations are something that do not come at the moment you want it to-- and that's a bitter fact we all have to embrace. If what I'm stating is not true, then the maybe Filipino saying that goes, "Nasa huli ang pagsisisi" would not have been born. Maybe, life has something to share to us of its rewards.

For a countless times, I have opted to strive to work harder; trash my old, bad habits and start anew. But things just go the way you not expect it to and even at the peak of excitement (for a new beginning-- a new you) *bang!* goes the huge explosion of some desirable temptation-- something you will have second thoughts of putting down.

The thought of unraveling the tangled up mangirl characteristics within me seem as vague and preposterous as hearing myself speak Mordvin infront of you. But infairness to the small degree of what's left of the "girl" feature, I think I had better grow into a more mature young lady. Yet, the thought of growing up with my father's characteristics seem to overwhelm me, making me feel that even though I am already beaten up, I can still stand firmly just like an old Narra Tree.